||[Dec. 21st, 2006|03:14 am]
|||||Something happens - Momentary Thing||]|
Author: Shirley Parker
Disclaimer: No, they’re not mine. You know they’re not because if they were I would write a cage threesome and include myself… and transfer the show to HBO.
Summary: “In the moment where they faced choices, one chose his destiny while the other chose her”. Kate’s struggle finally cease and she take the next step in her relationship with Sawyer.
Spoilers: “I do” mostly, but there is mentions of several events of the previous seasons.
Author's Notes: This is my first (And possibly only) Kate and Sawyer fic. If it’s painful to read because it sucks so much I’m not the one to blame. I made this fanfiction to the lovely Fran, who requested as Xmas gift since Photoshop hates me and I can do beautiful fan art to my friends. I did exactly what you asked me sweetie, I’m sure you deserved more. I also want to thank my dear beta Jo who saved me from horrible grammar mistakes. You’re an angel Jo.
There was always good and bad in her nature but she strived with the sole objective to allow both her sides to coexist. For a long time, her conscience had battled between evil and good, the ghosts of her past were the only thing that kept her company. Loneliness had become her second skin, denial sustained the false pretense that nothing could ever shatter the intricate structure she carefully built around her heart. Kate wanted to believe the territory, was barren and nothing would grow there, but there was something else beyond darkness Sawyer managed to reach it. There was an intruder, in a land that at some extent was foreign for her and without any pretension, he was conquering places she could once find exile.
So she dressed a denial suit, uttering she couldn’t possibly love someone so viciously unkind, who knew how to hurt beyond repair. Putting a label on the two men that dwelled for her, she tried to be safe. Sawyer was too tragic, damaged and burned. Sort of modern Hamlet and just like Ophelia she would drown in a sea of despair. Then she picked Jack, establishing differences between the men in order to keep an emotional distance. But the pedestal crumbled, a gradual process that culminated in the moment one man refused to help the other. The most telling difference between them was not related to morals or character.
It was they way they made her feel.
And the way the feelings were returned.
Of all misconceptions she made, the one that resonated as the most ludicrous one, was the preconceived notion of good and bad. Wanting fiercely to believe that the “good” man was the right choice, she ignored the only one who gave her everything without conditions. And she knew right there that despite the fact there was always differences between them that would remain the most important one, imprinted in her mind forever. In the moment where they faced choices, one chose his destiny while the other chose her. The person she wanted to believe was unworthy and selfish was giving everything.
In the context of that absurd situation, hope sparkled more than diamonds. Something no one ever truly offered ‘till that moment. It was all he could possibly give and she embraced he’s present, knowing it wouldn’t last forever. The moments of peace her gave her were precious nonetheless and at least in that fraction of time things would be okay. With one sentence he trespassed every single obstacle she once created and clarified her vision in the process, making limpid the once blurred view. What she saw was painful to some extent, but elucidative. Deep down she always knew that Sawyer never won her over Jack and the concept of choosing was also something she tried to avoid. There was only the right thing, the right one.
That set her free to take the next step.
She kissed Sawyer the same way she kissed Tom, Kevin and even Jack and for the first time there was nothing to gain. With Tom there was always the bargain for a lost innocence, something she wasn’t sure really existed for her but she was willing to believe she had. With Kevin there was the sense of normality, something that deep down she could never have but it comforted her. With Jack she could acknowledge that it was a fresh start, even if it was another precious illusion.
With Sawyer her only expectation was to feel the correspondence of his lips. There was no second agenda and it felt the wisest, stupidest, hardest, easiest and bravest decision she ever made.
One small step and everything changed.
Resting her head on his chest, she felt the pang of a realization, something she denied for a long time. It seemed a fruitless epiphany now they’re living on borrowed time. Kate grieved for a second, for the loss of moments that never happened. It was almost excruciating painful to feel that the bravery she gathered presented itself in the worst timing ever, maybe even too late. But his embrace always managed to dull the pain and the aching feeling was once again soothed with solace. Sawyer smelled like rain, like the island. Somehow along the way he managed to incorporate his surroundings, creating in the process a comfort zone. It was indeed another unsolved mystery, but she felt grateful he could emulate peace.
“What was that for?” He asked, the confusion evident in the way he articulated the words. Kate could picture his face even with her eyes closed and she knew what he needed to hear. But she wasn’t ready and she stayed still, unable to move.
“I don’t know, I don’t know” She replied, dazzled by the load of emotions one little moment carried.
She was silent; cold, dead in her tracks, scared as hell to initiate the moment that would lead them to the next level. Because that was it, that frightened her beyond words, the denial crumbling under the weight of her emotions. He was once unwanted, renegade, uninvited but he trespassed all the warning signs without looking back. He was the one that she once said would never be part of her. But that manage to reside under her skin.
And she knew why, because in the end Sawyer was the man that had the courage to end a man’s life when she asked to, the man that could unleash her sexuality with one single kiss, the only one who knew she never traveled to Disneyland, the person that set her free, showing her that her soul would always be tainted and she had to accept it, the one who searched for a reason to stay but never held any grudges when her stubborn self couldn’t give it. The one she wanted to say goodbye but never really could and come back to her so bruised she had to contemplate the prospect of loosing him for good. Looking back, there was so many moments, so many important things. There was thousand of reasons why she should let him in, million of reasons she should raise the defenses higher. He would break her at times; hurt her intentionally, push her away when she got too close. He was no shiny armor.
But at the same time, he could touch her without he’s fingertips, kiss without lips, love without words. Once she faced him, she would look into his eyes and see her reflection. Sawyer’s eyes always mirrored hers somehow. And she would see herself in him; with all the darkness she hides it and all the light that threatened to rise like a Phoenix.
Feeling his hand searching for her face, she knew there was no more running, no more coming back.
She was finally ready to let it go.